A Brief Discussion about Feeling Stupid Around God

“I don’t feel comfortable when a man pursues me…” A forty year-old woman writes,  ”I like to be the one to ask to hang out.  I think I have a pretty high self esteem about my own life outside of relationships.      In relationships with men though, like I said,  I don’t feel comfortable when a man pursues me very aggressively. It turns me off and makes me kind of annoyed and sometimes even makes me have disrespectful feelings towards men.    Instead, I like to be the one to ask to hang out. But, this runs the risk of making the guys feel the same way, no?

“ Stupid me. What’s wrong with me?

How many times has something like this happened to you?  You feel very confident about your life only when you KNOW what to expect. Even the mistakes you make can be made to workout because you have made similar ones before and found your way out of the bind.   BUT, when you are seemingly NOT in contol of the outcomes in your life….oh oh…suddenly you feel like you are on a slippery slope heading south fast emotionally.  You have fallen, it seems out of your comfort zone.  And, are beginning to feel stupid.    There are familiar feelings about these kinds of moments , but, you simply can not put your finger on it.  Being is this kind of a situation is why you created that comfort zone in the first place.  In fact, you may not even think to put a finger on it because this, after all, is (strangely enough)  the “happiest you will ever be.” These kinds of feelings come with loving who you THINK you are.  And, the way we view our relationship with others is not that much different from the way we handle the one we have with God…..as you percieve The One in you to be.

When I decided to answer this woman’s question I wanted to reveal to her my reasons for why she feels the way she does when she says..  “I don’t feel comfortable when a man pursues me…I like to be the one to ask to hang out.” 

“This statement, I would write,  ”…suggests you are affraid of losing control of what is “suppose to happen” in a relationship.  So…with that said you might want to investigate how, in the past, your life seemed “worse” when you were not in control. So you might want to ask your Self  a few questions. 

• “Did I have a parent who expected (or demanded) a lot more from of me as a child than they should have?

When you seemed not to meet their expectations…

• What had they done to you and how did you feel about such behavior at the time?
• Did you feel disrespected (stupid)….annoyed…. uncomfortable?

We underestimate the affects our past has over the relationship moments we experience. Most of us carry a lot of grief and pain well into our later years without ever recognizing it….we end up (unwittingly) calling it “the happiest we will ever be.”   BUT, you say…”I don’t feel comfortable at all.”  And, that would be my point exactly.  YOU have taught your Self to believe feeling uncomfortable and out of control defines happiness, comfort, joy, and love.   However, because you have chosen to read this blog for some kind of answer…. for you…now may be that moment when an awakening will happen and you will notice how it is that you are not stupid and that men who persue you may just be really interested in you for what you bring to the table.

BUT BEWARE….even though you may discover a little bit about how your past has influenced your behavior during a time when men persue you….there is still lots of stuff through which you must work….like….for years your choice of lovers, friends, and confidantes may resemble snipets of behaviors of the most significant adult from your past….As such, you may have found men who may have acted…or have been asked (unwittingly) to act out like that significant adult.   Realizing how your past has influenced your life in these matters can be significant advances toward owning who it is your REALLY are.

For instance, a thirty year-old man wrote about a recent foray into a relationship with a woman who uses guilt as form of seducing her choice of a lover, friend, and confidante.  “She married very young and had her first child with an abuse husband and she divorced him within 12 months. Her second marriage ended after just three years b/c her 2nd husband cheated on her….”

Marrying young and finding herself in an abusive marriage is no accident. It is a very good chance her family of origin situation was not the best. While she may not have been abused by a parent, the perception that she had over a long period of time could have helped her to develop a version or a vision of love that includes abuse as a defining factor for how happiness happens. So, this explains why she (in some manner) uses guilt “Oh you wouldn’t want me!” as a way to seduce a suitor into a relationship. If you do see the good she refuses to see you will naturally use the defenses for such that she hears in her mind. Therefore, you become her good side while she continues to maintain the bad version.  In the end, when the relationship ends in a likely divorce….YOU just might feel stupid.  Why…. because you managed to invest a lot of good energy in a lie. 

This emotional and intellectual investment can produce a vapid form of spiritual intimacy.  We, all too often, view God in the same light as we do our relationships.  So, if we think God to be a person who would prefer that we not be acceptable….we try to seduce God into the relationship through guilt.  Over the long haul such a lie loses steam and we fee stupid for maintaining it.  If we are willing to learn how to get out of it we will say, in some form…”there has got to be a better way of living our life.”  BUT, if we choose to continue feeling stupid we figure out a different way to seduce God into “not wanting us because we are a sinner.”
 
In all liklihood, both woman above are good persons despite what she THINKS….BUT, a good friend, lover, and confidante should NEVER be the one to fix the other. All the fixing by persons in a relationship is the sole responsibility of those individuals….anything less is a classic case for co-dependency.

So….if you are willing to learn about all this stuff and feel freer to love deeper…..GO for it!    

 No doubt you are quite remarkable…..and

You ARE loved….and LOVED right now!

I Am With God!

     How often have you been asked “Have you a personal relationship with God?” 

I am fifty-plus years of age.  I can not count how many times I have been asked that question and have felt dumbfounded that anyone would ask such of another person. For I have never felt abandoned or left alone by God.  I have always felt a closeness, an intimacy with The One (God) in both good and bad times.

I am not quite sure how others hear or read those words I have left behind in the last paragraph.  I often wonder if they are read as if to be arrogant, conceited, egotistical, or self-centered.  I rarely choose to make much of my relationship with God because I see no reason to personally egocentrically profit from something  that has left me with so much spiritual/physical/emotional richness from the very beginning. 

If I do make much of it, I do so to leave behind a message of EveryOne having the capacity to share in an unmatched spiritually rich love from The One (God) in you and I.

I am often intrigued by the response I get from those who claim to have a personal relationship with God…BUT, are unwilling to actually say “I am with God!”  They  tend to quote a biblical verse here and there where The Father claims to “be with you always.”  However, taking ownership in the relationship “to be with God” never seems to happen. 

I think there is a line….no a fence…no a wall…no an ocean of their own percieved guilt, shame, and sin that stands so intimidating before their mind’s eyes it tends to convince them that taking ownership in a relationship WITH God would seem disingenuous or…at least dishonest.

For God’s Sake….its The One (God) we are speaking about here folks.  An unconditional love is waiting for you to accept as yours, understand as free, and appreciate as always available for your use.  It sits at the very tip of your nose and as close as your next breath for you to see.

I recently had the opportunity to read a very good blog entry about spiritual intimacy.  Lori writes at the outset…”Let me just say at the very beginning that in my opinion intimacy with God is not a very nice addition to the Christian life…  (Rather)*… it is the very definition of salvation!”

For those of you who want to experience a more satisfying life….You must try to understand her message (and mine as well).  Taking ownership of a relationship WITH God is laying claim to a life that is free from all the pain generated by those silly versions or visions for how you THINK love is suppose to work.  You open your Self up to appreciating how real happiness is not only possible, but, easy to possess.

Let’s take Jesus’ journey through the desert. All those temptations he with which he had been faced.  Each time Jesus is faced with a temptation he makes one simple claim each and everytime.  It may have been with different words…BUT, he lays claim to having a friendship WITH God that is unerring and unbending. 

Some, I would imagine, will read my take on Jesus’ responses and assert….”Well…that was Jesus!  He was the Son of God.  He had a will that was much stronger than ours.”  To that response I would refer them to read the final conversation Jesus has (before the Ascension) with Phillip in the Gospel of John. 

The apostle wants to know how he can go to the place where Jesus says he can not go at this time.  Jesus, always the teacher, walks Phillip through the basic steps of the core messages of his teachings…and he concludes with “you will accomplish miracles as great and even greater than mine.”

I contend this part of the Synoptic Gospels is the centerpiece for how truly close is the relationship we have with The Father.  The writers of John’s Gospel, in their reflections upon the meaning of Jesus’ life made a stark discovery.  Not only was God an active participant in their life.  They too could be a reciprocating force for acknowledging this relationship by denying their afflictions as a force that defines them and leads them…They could actually pick up their matts and genuinely claim to walk with God at their side.

If you do not believe me….read what Lori said in her latest posting about spiritual intimacy…”The more you seek Him for Him alone, the more you learn His ways and His will!

“I always thought doing God’s will meant closing all doors that might be “iffy” and hanging out in one or two “safe” rooms.  But,  the closer I get to God the more He kicks open every door in the room and even gives me tiny pushes in directions I would never have considered.”

WE, each of us, has an opportunity we wish to come true.  BUT, wishing is simply fantascizing something from nothing.  A real miracle happens when we becoming WILLING to participate in our lives.  A real moment of happiness occurs when we choose to say “There must be a better way of living my life!” genuinely seeking to know how real life works.

Finally, choosing to lay claim to being WITH God eliminates the attention we have paid for centuries to the outcomes of our stupidity and willingness to be ignorant.  We NOW have a connection right now with knowing what makes other people say and do the things they do.

Once more I love what Lori offers….”The more intimate I am able to get with God the more I feel I am able to connect with others. 

“I don’t think there is a greater longing or need in our world today than honest, intimate connection to others.    If we can learn this act from God, how to be “one” with Him and then perhaps with each other we will not only fulfill our own needs and destiny,  but, we will prove ourselves to be real, authentic children of God!”

This is the essence of spiritual intimacy…….

“You ARE loved….and Loved RIGHT NOW!”